The Kracker Barrel Awards : The Tale Of Trayvon

Dear Readers :

While the management of The C.I.A. { Crackers In Action } believes that the fact that Mr. Paul Stanner is the most muti - talented Kracker in the Krackerverse is eminently obvious we do recognize that he is not the only talented Kracker in the Krackerverse so consequently we will feature what we feel are deserving efforts by our Kracker Brethern and Sisthren whenever their efforts strike us as worthy of a little recognition. The only reward these Krackers will get from this is a Cracker Salute and what little recognition exposure on this site brings. Hey hey Krackers I don’t want to hear your pissing and moaning we are living on Kracker Krumbs here !! Take the recognition such as it is and be happy.

Today we bring you a charming little ditty by a gentleman named Ratoo , ” The Tale Of Trayvon ”. This contribution came to us via a comment on Paul Stanner’s article “ Another Trayvonning : Provo , Utah ” We think you’d all agree that Mr. Ratoo is a TwIStEd Kracker indeed and will fit in very nicely here.

The Tale Of Trayvon

By Ratoo

(to Funky Rap Beat)

Here is the Tale of Tough guy Trayvon

Thought he was gangster, but now he is gone

Someone Trayvoned his ass

Someone Trayvoned his ass

Drug dealing, watch stealing

Crime is what he did

Creepin round in the dark,

With tools and loot hid

Went to the store to buy Skittles and Tea

So if he was caught, he’d have de-ni-abil-ity

Jumping over fences, walking through the hood

Looking into windows, up to no good

(very brief silent pause)

Who will Trayvon his ass?

Who will Trayvon his ass?

Casing out a house, he met a guy named Zimmer-MAN

Thought he was a honky, but he were a badass Mexi-CAN

Trayvon talking tough, threw a couple blows,

Knocked him to the ground, broke his freakin nose.

Grabbed him by the head, pounding into the ground

Zimmer-MAN made his move, then there was a sound

(very brief silent pause)

He Trayvoned his ass

He Trayvoned his ass

　

Take then this lesson, learn it if you can

Do not mess around, with a badass Mexi-CAN

A badass Mexi-CAN

(very brief silent pause)

He will Trayvon your ass

He will Trayvon your ass

Final verse, spoken:

Run away punk: don’t make me Trayvon your ass.

Copyright

All Rights Reserved

Equalizer Group, Inc., et al

Requiem For The Messes

Requiem For The Messes

By Paul Stanner

Apparently as a reaction to the unfortunate and tragic killing of Trayvon Martin ” Hoodie Vigils ” are being scheduled all around the country. CNBC is absolutley certain that all the purveyors of cultural degeneracy of the entertainment business as well as the racial hucksters of what passes for our time’s Civil Rights Movement will be gorging themselves in this feeding frenzy of misplaced compassion. CNBC however will not be there. We do not support elevating a juvenile delinquent to hero status and certainly not to martydom status. We also do not support a rush to judgment the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Jim Crow days. Saint No Limit Nigga doesn’t make the  martrydom cut in our church. ” Rev . ” Al ” Tawana ” Sharpton and his ilk are not ” Men of God “  with a  pulpit and a willing choir and a flock to preach their Gospel of racist hate to in our church. Spike Lee does not sit at the right hand of God in our church.

CNBC will be acknowledging this tragedy however. Our staff has donated all of their family’s hoodies and we will be holding a ” Hoodie Burning Vigil ” to honor all of the victims of the senseless murder and mayhem especially The Unfashionable Victims glorified by  The Church Of The Almighty Buck At Any And All Costs on May 1 , 2012. At the conclusion of our Hoodie Burning Vigil there will be a screening of To Kill A Mockingbird. We invite you all to join us.

Life lesson for Liberals / Progressives / Black Miltants. Stupidity with an attitude and a gun trumps stupidity with an attitude and no gun EVERY time. The loser of that battle is seldom a hero or martyr nor is the winner.

STUPIDITY KILLS!!!   

            LOSE THE HOODIE AND THE ATTITUDE!!!

In Memoriam !!!

Trayvon Trouble : Knoxville , Tn.

                                                                                                   Trayvon Trouble : Knoxville , Tn.

By Paul Stanner

CNBC regretfully announces new programming to it’s line - up today. In our new addition ” Trayvon Trouble ” we will focus on the stories of The Unfashionable Victims of Organized Black Thuggery all over the country. We would dearly like not to have to provide this program but unfortunately since The Drive By Media refuses to cover them and since The Progressive / Liberal Powers That Be will not prosecute them as vigorously or fight the root causes as zealously as the more P.C. crimes because these stories conflict with their world views and political goals we feel that we must provide the forum. ” Trayvon Troubles ” will continue as part of our programming line – up until such time as we feel that the ” Men Of God ” such as ” Rev” Al ” Tawana ” Sharpton , ” Rev . ” Jessie ” Hymie Town ” Jackson , ” Rev. ” Calypso ” Louis Farrakhan and the rest of their ilk involved in our time’s version 0f ” The Civil Rights Movement ” that foment this thuggery get the freaking message and until such time as the above mentioned can show as much compassion for these victims as they do for a juvenile delinquent who met an unfortunate demise as a result at least partly of his own stupidity. Since it’s been shown time and again over the last fourty years that these folks are just too damn stupid to grasp the elemental concepts of honor , fair play , and personal responsibility we expect a long and vicious battle.  We are confident of ultimate victory though. Americans of all races are awakening to the true nature of these folks. It’s a new day Poverty Pimps no longer will us Crackers cower in fear at the threat of being called a racist by one of you. Let the games begin.

Todays victims of ” Tayvon Trouble ” are Channon Christian and Chris Newsome of Knoxville , Tn. Channon and Chris were two White teeangers who were both raped , murdered and tortured by a gang of Black Thugs in Knoxville , Tn. In a particularly nasty twist one member of this gang was a woman. Isn’t it nice to know that gender and racial equity has arrived in the field of thuggery? CNBC is absolutely certain that The Drive By Media and The Poverty Pimps will portray these vermin as ” iced tea and skittles ” kind of kids. Some things never change !!

In Memoriam

The Radical Priest Came To Get Me Released

The Radical Priest Came To Get Me Released

It was not so long ago that Chruch Elders had the good sense not to allow their churches to be manipulated into prostituting themselves in such an obvious fashion as to allow their parishioners to wear such a well known gang status symbol as the ” hoodie ” to a memorial service for the enrichment of such loathsome characters as ” Rev. ” Al ” Tawana ” Shaprton and his Rogues Gallery Of Ludicrous Litigants , ” Rev ” Jessie ” Hymietown ” Jackson , ” Rev.” ” Calypso ” Louis Farrakhan , Mr. Morriss ” Money Man ” Dees , Mr. Ben Envious and the other assorted racial hucksters of  today’s ” Civil Rights ” Movement and the gorification of a juvenile delinquent at best. In my day the local church priest or minister would have put a stop to this rush to judgment before it even got started. Nowadays church ” elders ” not only encourage it enthusiastically but participate in it joyfully and willingly make a buck off of it. What a thoroughly disgusting display. I wonder what Jesus would have to say about this ? Dr. King is turning over in his grave no doubt.

It was also not so long ago that our elected leaders actually had the best interest of the whole country at heart . Were they to engage in the sort of behavior that these political ” leaders ” pictured below are engaging in the wrath of the voters would have taken care of the problem forthwith. How far we’ve fallen in 70 short years !!! These folks should be ashamed of themselves. If you want to know what’s wrong with the Black community you need look no further than this picture. The vast majority of Black people however are not willing to look realisitically at the root cause of their problems. It’s just so much easier to bitch , piss , moan whine , complain and blame Whitey for all of your problems. The alternative afterall requires real courage.

If militant Black racist people want to go wearing their ” hoodies ” at memorial services where juvenile delinquents are glorified then  the next time some skinhead dies and a memorial service is held where skinheads wear their regalia I do not want to hear how offended Black people are. If Black militant racists such as Rev. Al ” Tawana ” Sharpton want to march through neighborhoods wearing their Malcolm X , Marcus Garvey and Che Guevara clothing and waving their ” National ” flags then I don’t want to hear about their offense when Confederates march carrying The Stars and Bars and wearing their Jefferson Davis clothing. If militant Blacks such as The New Black Panter Party want to march through neighborhoods where they are not wanted spouting their message of hate , racism , murder and mayhem then I do not want to hear about Black people’s offense when the Nazis march through their neighborhoodds doing the same. The difference between all of these above mentioned Black groups and the KKK is very similar to the difference between Third Grade and Harvard — razor thin. They really are just two sides of the same coin.

Sunday there will be a memorial service for Trayvon Martin. I’m sure that all the usual assortment of Libs / Progressives and Black Militiant malcontents will be there gorging themselves  in their usual feeding frenzy of misplaced compassion. CNBC will NOT be there. We will be spending the day in prayer for all of the less fashionable victims of the murder and mayhem so reflective of the policies of the day such as the Knoxville , Tn teenagers that were murederd raped and tortured by a group of black thugs in Knoxville , Tn. , Allen Coon who is a 13 year old White kid that was set on fire by Black thugs in K.C. Mo.  , the young White man that was just recently killed by three Black thugs at the University of Missippi , the White girl that was badly beaten and bullied by Black thugs in Manchester , N.H. There are far too many of these unfashionable victims to be mentioned individually but reast assured CNBC will be praying for all of them. How nice it would be to hear our President , or Rev. Al , Rev Jessie or some other Black leader eulogize them on equal terms as Trayvon Martin. I think we all know when that will happen. I have no doubt however that a few Black folks of good fellowship will indeed have these victims in their prayers. Their actions are the seed of the real ” Hope and Change “.

CNBC hopes that you will all be joining us in a day of prayer for these victims. Nobody wins in a tragedy. Such is the human condition. And the beat goes on and on and on and on ad infinitum.

In Memoriam of all The Unfashionable Victims

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

D-I-V-O-R-C-E-

By Paul Stanner

Friends I come to you today seeking your prayers. There has been an unfortunate turn of events  in my family. My lover of 25 years has left me for another. Please pray for my family that has been so savaged by divorce. For the sordid details of our split please click here.  I’m so sick of these sooth talking well dressed types with their money and connections destroying families just for fun!!

We were together for 25 years and it was such a delicious love affair.  Whenever we were together it was a sensual delight. Alas however the currents of life carried us in different directions. One more charming than I stole my lover. Rest assured folks that life goes on and so will I. In the words of The Cowboy Poet Marshall Tucker ” Just as soon as I’m in the arms of another I’m going to forget all about you. “

Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date with my potential new lover. Her name is Haagen Daz Rum Raisin.

I pray that none of my Cracker family or friends ever have to suffer the pain of losing their beloved Cherry Garcia but if those dire circumstnaces befall you I suggest that you climb right back up on the horse and march down to 7 – 11 and buy some Haagen Daz Rum Raisin. She’ll ease your pain. Soon you’ll forget all about Cherry Garcia. Trust me I know.

Flour to the Crackers !! We SHALL bake !!

Now go spread your rum raisin around Crackers !!

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If The Mountain Won’t Come To Mohammed — !!

        If  The Mountain Won’t Come To Mohammed —

By Paul Stanner

Having lived and worked in China for ten years I am acutely aware of how frightening and confusing China can be for those inexperienced foreigners when they visit China or when they come here to work so whenever I’m on vacation and see foreigners or if I happen to see them in whatever town I’m currently residing in I make it a habit to introduce myself to them and offer my assisstance and friendship. This policy goes doubly so for Americans since I am American. Almost universally I am rebuffed with a cold shoulder and quite frequently the attitude seems to be one of scorn and ridicule. I regret that I am forced to inform my American countrymen and women that Americans have a particularly  nasty attitude in this regard. They also tend to inject criminal suspicion into their  rudeness. As far as I can tell the thinking seems to be that if an American has spent ten years living and working in China he / she must be a criminal. It never seems to occur to them that the Chinese authorities would never allow any criminal into China to teach at their universities. To me this is an incredibly obvious fact that should be readily apparent to any American with half a brain and a junior high school education. I guess it’s one of the mysteries of life why it isn’t. There is the occaisonal exception to this phenomenon of the rude foreigner thankfully.On my most recent vacation to Guangzhou I had the pleasure of meeting one.

I walked into the restaurant I quite frequently eat my evening meal at while in Guangzhou. This restaurant is on Shamian Island in Guangzhou which attracts many lao wai {foreigners } for it’s colonial architecture history and charm and it’s many Western restaurants. As the waiter was escorting me to my table this gentleman invited me to join him. I was shocked since I can count on one hand the number of times that any foreigner from anywhere spoke to me first much less invited me to join them in my ten years of living here. This totally unexpected turn of events held the promise of an intriguing evening of conversation. I accepted his invitation. As we chatted I came to learn that he was a young Canadian man of 70 who hailed originally from Eastern Canada , Toronto if memory serves , who had moved to Western Canada for many years and was now living in Wyoming. He was a lawyer in his younger days but was now a rancher . We chatted about many things but he was particularly interested in my experiences teaching in China and my experiences traveling in China. He specifically wanted to know what Chinese cities I would recommend he visit. Eventually we discussed the topic which is the point of this article , how far America had fallen in 70 years. I found his views right on the money. Speaking to this man was like conversing with a human encyclopedia. After the evening was finished my conversation got me to thinking about this topic.

I don’t know why but my life seems to run counter to what everybody else is experiencing at any given time. More specifically when America is doing well it seems that my personal life is in tatters and vice versa. At the tail end of the 90′s when America generally was doing quite well my personal life was a train wreck. I had endured a few years of homelessness and borderline poverty. I was in dire straits. My problems were economic in nature and were 80% caused by circumstances beyond my control. My field was experiencing severe job contraction. Couple that with the fact that I was reaching Chronologically Advanced status and securing a job was virtually impossible. Also quite honestly about 20 % of my problems were self inflicted. I didn’t make the best career choices when I had the chance. To quote Bush 43 ” When I was young and stupid I was young and stupid.” I had always been a confident and self reliant person and had always managed to pull myself out of past difficulties so I was confident that this situation was only temporary and my abilities would save the day yet again. Trust me when I tell you though that the more chronologically advanced you get the tougher it gets to overcome these sorts of problems. My situation was getting dire indeed and I was beginning to think that maybe I wouldn’t prevale this time. I did what my religion told me to do and turned to my Christian friends for help. They did as they always do and kicked me right in the teeth. It was time for a radical new game plan. I didn’t quite know what that plan was yet but I knew I needed one. God does indeed work in mysterious ways friends. One day while I was sitting in the library checking out the want ads in the local newspapers a magazine caught my eye. I went over to investigate. It was ” Christianity Today ” . I assure you that it’s very unusal for me to be reading any Christian magazine. While I am a Christian I’m not one of those Bible thumping , testimony giving Christians. My faith is between me and God. Looking back on it now I guess it’s really no surprise that She chose this way to speak to me. Sometimes a rap upside the head is exactly the wrong way to handle me. I tend to get defiant and stubborn when that is the approach. Her subtle , gentle way in this regard worked. There was an interesting cover article so I took a break from my job search and read it. It was quite an interesting article so I read another then another and another. I then noticed the ” Christian Employment ” section. I had no clue what ” Christian Employment ” was so I checked it out. The second I saw the ad I knew She was speaking to me. It was an ad to come teach English in China. I had found my new game plan and my way out of my predicament. If the mountain wouldn’t come to Paul then Paul must go to the mountain. I applied for the job and prayed. My prayers were answered. Two weeks later I was in The Land Of Chairman Mao’s Miracle preparing for my fourth career and third childhood and one hell of an adventure. It’s turned out to be the best thing I ever did. Like I said She does indeed work in mysterious and sometimes wondrous ways.

Fast forward four or five years. I am now living an upper middle class lifestyle in China. I have a paid apartment on campus. All of my utilities are paid and I get two paid 7 week vacations a year. Meanwhile back home in America the economy is in tatters.Hundreds of thousands of Americans are unemployed or vastly underemployed and in serious danger of losing their homes. There is no immediate solution in sight.

Everyday I go on Facebook and Google Plus and listen to American’s stories of woe. Everyday I do what my religion tells me to do in these situations. I try to help my American countrymen and women and especially those of my faith. Everyday I am treated with condescension and suspicion by my fellow Americans and everyday my fellow Christians that supposedly know better kick me right in the teeth for my efforts. Some things never change. The excuses are endless and sometimes very creative.I’ll focus on two of the more popular ones. ” I am afraid. China is a Communist country. ” Well that is true enough but it’s only part of the story. The current Chinese are far better capitalists than we are. If you come to China to teach and stay out of their business you’ll be safer than you are in America. It’s bad business you see for foreigners to be assaulted or killed in China. Their government makes it crystal clear to it’s citizens what will happen to them if they do this to a foreigner and particualry an American foreigner. Before you come here the Chinese will tell you exactly how to stay out of trouble. They are basically the four T’s — Tiannenman , Taiwan , Tibet , and The Falun Gong plus no proslytizing. If you come to China with intentions of getting involved in those issues then take my advice and stay home. If you intend to come to China to start a teaching career or get involved in some other career then I would advise that you get a job and hop on the next plane. It will be the best decision you ever made. It will also resolve your American employment problems if you have any. I can’t begin to tell you how insulting and demeaning it is to be constantly denigrated by the members of Generation Gimme like I would knowingly , wantonly endanger any of my American countrymen or women’s safety. I also find it astounding that these folks think I would put my own personal safety in peril. The chutzpah of Generation Gimme knows no limits. The second issue that is most frequently mentioned has to do with convenience. If you can’t accept that China is a developing country that doesn’t have all of the modern conveniences of the West then stay home. Trust me though when I tell you there are ways around the Facebook , Google Plus and Youtube blocks. In all of the big cities you’ll find Western markets where you can get good western food as well as Western restaurants. All of these issues of ” convenience ” can be surmounted if you prepare well before you come to China. Do your homework in other words. It seems to me that not being able to readily buy your Ben And Jerry’s Cherry Garcia is a small price to pay for an upper middle class lifestyle and the adventure of a lifetime in China especially if you are currently suffering economic hardship. But then again adventure and living in another country requires some ” stones ” on the part of the person seeking this solution to their problems. ” Stones ” is something that is in critically short supply in Generation Gimme. ” Why do we need ” stones ” when we have Daddy or Big Brother ?”

Can somebody please tell me when Americans became so soft that we refuse to exploit the opportunities given to us? When did we become so soft that we rely on government to solve all of our problems? People like me and other Americans who have solved our problems the good old fashioned American way of hard work and exploitation of our opportunities should be help up as examples of the best American exceptionalism not  viewed with  suspicion ridicule and scorn. How far we’ve fallen indeed. From The Greatest Generation to Generation Gimme in seventy years. The soldiers of D Day and Iwo Jima must be turning over in their graves.

STOP your pissing , moaning , bitching , whining , complaining , and blaming everybody and everything else Generation Gimme and find your personal mountain.If it’s good enough for this American to go to the mountain than it’s good enough for you !!

P.S. : If any Westerner especially Americans would like info about coming to China to start a career please feel free to leave a comment on this article.

The Stairway To Heaven Hotel

In honor of Valentines Day and in the spirit of tolerance towards our sexually confused sisters and brothers Queen Yes Dear Productions , the Entertainment Division of CNBC , is pleased to present a Valentines Day love story with a TWiSt. We hope you enjoy it.

The Sweet Satanic Romance Of Laura ” Sweet Pie ” Stettler And Holly ” The Electric Rose ” Hanson { And Maybe ” The Texas Tornado”}

Ch. 2 

The Stairway To Heaven Hotel

OR

Devil Or Angel

Holly had felt the sparks also so I guess it was no great surprise to anyone that these two Satanically Romantic Ladies were destined to get together. ” The Electric Rose ” was the one that seized the moment and invited ” Sweet Pie ” to dinner at a very chic Italian restaurant. Everything was perfect. The food,the wine,the ambience , sparkling engaging conversation and a beautiful sexy lady.What more could a healthy young Satanically Romantic young woman ask of life? ” The Electric Rose ” certainly knows how to show a stranger her town. ” Sweet Pie’s heart was pounding a mile a minute with anticipation. Little did she know what ” The Electric Rose ” had planned for her , this was just the prelude. The real fun was to begin at another venue.

 Holly paid the check and leaned over and whispered seductively in Laura’s ear ” would you like to visit Heaven.” Laura damn near fell off her chair she was so excited. They arrived at The Stairway To Heaven Hotel at about 9:30 P.M. Holly arranged for some refreshment to be sent to the room and then she thanked and tipped the bell boy. The lock clicked and then she sprang into action. She ripped Laura’s clothes off and threw her on the bed. She slowly and sensuosly set up the DVD equipment. Laura was quite nervous about doing anything on camera.What if her mama saw this video? What if she her strap broke ? She was a bundle of nerves, excitement and wild anticipation. Holly gave her just enough of a peek to keep her interested and then she said to her “Excuse me .I’ll go “freshen up” a bit. Enjoy the wine.” She came back in about ten minutes in her policewoman uniform looking all sexy and authoritative. She walked over to Laura slowly and put her under arrest. Laura was laying on the bed stark naked ,handcuffed to the bedposts eagerly wondering what was going to happen next.It wasn’t long before she found out. Holly walked over and gave her a long passionate kiss , laid a blue rose on her chest , put a DVD of “Charlie’s Angel’s” on the DVD player in repeat mode and left. All night long “Charlie’s Angel’s played.It was TORTURE!! The woman may be sexy and beautiful but I can assure you she is DEFINITELY Satanic!! I don’t think Laura will ever be able to have another sexual fantasy about a policewoman!!

At 9:00 A.M. Lupita came into the room.Well needless to say she was a bit shocked!! Fortunately the Gods smiled upon Laura because Lupita had four things she needed. A sense of humor , bolt cutters , a sexy body and personna and a fifteen minute break.I know,I know I thought it was a bit weird that a maid would have bolt cutters too. I guess this sort of thing happens frequently at The Stairway To Heaven Hotel.Lupita had her way with Laaura and then set her free. As Laura was walking out heading towards Holly’s Lupita thanked her “Gracias Mi loco poco Fascist. Come again.”

The Stairway To Heaven, Holly’s house.

Laura left the hotel a happy woman. She also had new found respect for “Domestic Goddesses” and Policewomen. Thank you ‘Pita and Holly{My Rose} she whispered as she left singing ” Devil or Angel “.

Devil or angel, I can’t make up my mind
Which one you are I’d like to wake up and find
Devil or angel dear, whichever you are
 I miss you, I miss you, I mi-i-iss you

Devil or angel please say you’ll be mi-i-ine
Love me or leave me, I’ll go out of my mind
Devil or angel dear, whichever you are
I need you, I need you, I need you

You look like an angel
Your smile is divine
 But you keep me guessin’
Will you ever be mine?

Devil or angel please say you’ll be mi-i-ine
Love me or leave, I’ve made up my mind
Devil or angel dear, whichever you are
 I love you, I love you, I-I lo-o-ove you

Devil or angel please say you’ll be mi-i-ine
Love me or leave, I’ve made up my mind
Devil or angel dear, whichever you are
I love you, I love you, I love you

If you don’t believe this story just go down to The Hideaway Lounge and ask for “Sweet Pie” or “The Electric Rose” and judge for your self how Satanic they are . Are they Devil or Angel? That is a question you must ask yourself BEFORE you get too involved. A word of caution though. Be careful or you might end up at The Stairway To Heaven Hotel. Who knows what she might have planned for you. Only The Satanically Romantic ladies themselves know for sure.{Well MAYBE “The Texas Tornado” might have a clue.}Devil or Angel? Who knows for sure?

” The Texas Tornado “

Have fun!!

By Spaced Teacher

P.S. ‘Pita if you have any photos ” Sweet Pie” will pay handsomely for them. She’ll call you Mi Sucre Nina.

Sweet Pie and The Electric Rose Meet

In honor of Valentines Day and in the spirit of tolerance towards our sexually confused brothers and sisters CNBC is pleased to present a love story with a TwIsT . We hope you enjoy it.

 The Sweet Satanic Romance Of Laura ” Sweet Pie ” Stetler and Holly ” The Electric Rose ” Hanson. { And Maybe ” Tornado ” Tex Hughes too }

Chapter 1 :

” Sweet Pie ” and ” The Electric Rose ” Meet

 

Or

” Tex Likes Pie Too “

” Sweet Pie ” was a stranger in town. As it is everywhere in the world strangers are a cause of curiosity and suspicion. She was just passing through on her way to Portland Maine to visit friends She wasn’t seeking companionship or conversation. All she wanted was a hot meal , a hot shower , a good nights sleep and a 7:00 A.M. wake up call. She must have set off a strong spark of curiosity in Tex for some reason. Maybe it was her alabaster skin , maybe it was her sexy almond eyes , maybe it was her long gorgeous hair , maybe it was her sheer nylon clad gams. Who the Hell knows what it was. Tex was a stunningly beautiful albeit acutely shy Texan Lady. Walking up to ” Sweet Pie ” demurely Tex. started a conversation. After about 5 minutes of small talk Tex told ” Sweet Pie ” that she was the proprietor of a local saloon and invited her in for a drink and meal. That was how she met Tex and was introduced to The Hideaway Lounge and became acquainted with something far more exciting!! She felt it immediately upon entering. What was this sensation. They had nothing quite like this in Maine . Her antennae were abuzz with unfamiliar excitement and for reasons she didn’t quite understand she felt moisture in unusual places. This was a new very strange and quite pleasant feeling for her. And then she saw her. She couldn’t help herself. “Who is that beautiful woman” she asked Tex. She needed to investigate. Holly’s intoxicating seductive scent announced her arrival at Laura’s table. If you think ” Sweet Pie ” was befuddled you should have been there that night. I’m sure it was quite entertaining for the other patrons. For some unknown reason even she didn’t understand she broke into the “Howl Of The Smitten Woman.” Holly was Betty Poop curls , Shirley Temple innocence , Angelina Jolie smile , Jenifer Aniston humor , Dianna Krall legs and Helen Hunt sex appeal all rolled into one delightful package. And a buskaa that I swear was made by the Gods themselves. Sexy could not begin to describe her!! Laura was addicted from the outset. She needed another fix. And she would get it soon there after. Thusly did the Satanically Seductive Holly ” The Electric Rose ” Hanson meet the intoxicatingly enchanting Laura ” Sweet Pie ” Stettler and the charmingly shy Tex. What a great day it would turn out to be for “Sweet Pie” and “The Electric Rose” If you think an exciting evening like this would interest you I suggest you drop by The Hideaway Lounge. Maybe you’ll get lucky and ” Sweet Pie” or ” The Electric Rose” will be there. Even if you’re unlucky in that regard though don’t despair because you never know who may drop into Hideaway Lounge or when or what may happen. I will be there as often as I can. See you there soon friends Until then goodbye.

By Spacedteacher and Mystery Girl

P.S. ” Sweet Pie left the lounge that evening wondering exactly what three handed handcuffs were used for. ” Sweet Pie ” loves a mystery!!

The Satanic Romance of Laura ” Sweet Pie” Stetler and Holly ” The Electric Rose ” Hanson and all characters,plotlines,places and mythology even REMOTLEY associated with it are the intellectual property of Spacedteacher DBA Bea Wildered Enterprises / Mystery Girl Enterprises and may not be used for any purpose whatsoever without the express written consent of Spaced Teacher / Mystery Girl As usual all names have been changed to insure the guilty from any and all liabilities be they criminal or civil. The characters of Laura ” Sweet Pie ” Stetler and Holly ” The Electric Rose ” Hanson are ENTIRELY fictional , more so in one case than the other , and are not based upon ANYONE associated in any way with ANY social networking service. If they tell me to stop writing this story I will do as I always do when their voices in my head speak to me. I will ignore them TOTALLY !! Sometimes you should listen to the voices in your head. They’re there for a reason. And sometimes you shouldn’t. lol

The Archer Of Love Gets Busted !!!

BREAKING NEWS !!! BREAKING NEWS !!!

Dateline : Valentine , Oregon February 14 , 2012

Cracker New Broadcasting Corp. — The OTHER CNBC

It is with great sadness that CNBC must inform you of the cultural suicide of yet another American icon. Acting on an anonymous tip from a reliable source whom we are fairly certain was a victim of this icon’s nefarious hidden agenda CNBC  launched an investigation into The Archer Of Love , known more commonly to all of you as Cupid , one month ago. What we dicovered was disturing to say the least. It seems that The Archer of Love is employed by the American Divorce Lawyers Association. He gets a substantial commission on every marriage AND divorce. WoW talk about covering your bases.

   And you Dumbasses thought the Archer’s sole motivation was ” love “. CNBC suspected all along that The Archer was simply following that preeminent principle of America’s Founding Fathers.” Show me the money. ” Yes yes we know that was an editorial comment. We don’t care.

   Police in Valentine . Oregon currently have The Archer Of Love under arrest and in the local calaboose where CNBC is certain he’s about to find all the love he can handle in all the wrong places.

   RUN GUYS !! RUN VERY FAST AND VERY FAR!!

Reporting from Valentine , Oregon Cynthia ” Muffin ” Love

Flour to The Krackers !! Especially the ones in love !!

Now take a break from screwing and go spread your Krumbs around Krackers !!

Queen Yes Dear Is At It Again !!

Good day Ladies and Gentlemen. Bea Wildered Productions the entertainment division of Cracker News Broadcasting Corp. — The OTHER CNBC in conjunction with Queen Yes Dear Productions is pleased to announce that this evening we’ll be premiering a new game show titled ” Stud or Dud “. The concept of the show is very simple you’ll catch on as we go. Every week we shall have a celebrity guest host. Today’s hostess is Queen Yes Dear of The Great And Mighty Cracker Nation herself. And now on with the show.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen I am Queen Yes Dear.  Welcome to our new game show ” Stud or Dud “.Without further ado let me introduce tonights contestants.

Our first contestant comes to us from the mean streets of Chicago by way of Hawaii , Kenya and the Madrasses of Indonesia depening on what time of day it is , who is asking , and the phases of the moon. His hobbies include usurping the highest office of his adopted land , spending millions of dollars to keep his past hidden , sending highly decorated and honorable military officers to jail for no offense and golf. As always Ladies and Gentlemen you make the call.

Stud or Dud ?

We’ll be right back after this word from our sponsor.

Adobe Photostop for when you need that birth certificate — NOW !!

Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen. Our next contestant comes to us from the sunny state of Florida by way of The U.S. Army and The U.S. House of Representatives. His hobbies include showing Black boys how to be men , defending his country , killing Jihadis , and riding his Harley.

Stud or Dud audience?

It’s time for another word from our sponsor.

Because REAL men ride Harley { And the bike too }

Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen. Our third contestant comes to us from the city of Belmont in The People’s Republic Of Taxachussets. His hobbies incude being a corporate raider , firing people , smearing his political opponents and forcing people to buy products they don’t want.

Stud or Dud audience?

It’s that time again folks.

Because everbody likes to play ” Vulture Capitalist ” sometimes.

 Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen. Our fourth and final contestant for today’s game comes to us from the great state of Georgia by way of The U.S. House Of Representatives, The Conservative Movement and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. I don’t think I need to tell you what his hobbies are.

Stud or Dud audience?

Marriage is a wonderful thing. Our sponsor thinks so too. Yes yes I know that was sneaky. I am Queen Yes Dear of The Great And Mighty Cracker Nation. I didn’t get that position by not knowing how to be sneaky when called for. We’ll be back momentarily.

20 % discount if you’re a female relative of Mr. Gingrich. Free if you’re one of his past wives. The management thinks you deserve a break .

Well Ladies and gentlemen that concludes our inaugural episode of ” Stud or Dud “ . We hope you enjoyed it . This is Queen Yes Dear inviting you all back for next week’s show. Until then Ladies may all the gentlemen in your lives be studs and Gentlemen may all the Ladies in your lives be your very own Queen Yes Dear. God knows you all need one.