October 12, 2010
by Paul Stanner
Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos
Jardeen Rose
This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “
The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.
“Don’t Worry Be Happy”
or
“It’s Uttama Bin Kaden’s Fault. REALLY IT IS!!”
There is a well known terrorist by the name of Uttama Bin Kaden who is constantly causing all kinds of security issues throughout the world. Because of Mr. Bin Kadens nefarious activities daily life can be very dangerous for law abiding people.Upon my departure for China I was about to become acquainted with those difficulties.
My home is in the Appalachian Mountains. It is in my opinion the most beautiful part of my country. Unfortunately it is about 5 hours from the nearest airport which is located in Atlanta. Because of security concerns related to Mr. Bin Kaden and his “Crew” all airports in my country require that you arrive two hours early. This meant that I would have to arrive at 6:00 A.M. for my cross continent flight to the city of Los Angeles from where I would transfer for a noon time flight across the Pacific Ocean bound for Jardeen. I had to leave my home at 1:00 A.M. in order for these arrangements all to work. While I was annoyed at Mr. Bin Kaden for causing me all this trouble I understood and supported the Government’s security precautions.
The REAL adventure was to begin in The City of God’s Angels when I had my first experience with the Jardeen people!!!
I arrived in The City of God’s Angels at 11:00 A.M. I had 1 hour to make my switch.The Jardeen government had arranged for somebody to meet me there and help with the transfer. He was nowhere to be found! THAT should have been my first clue. Although I was traveling alone and did not understand the language or culture I was not concerned ,after all I was an intelligent , well traveled American. I had visited many parts of the world and had never encountered ANY serious problems I was confident that I would figure it out. Everything I had studied about these Jardeen in my two weeks of intensive preparatory classes for my new assignment indicated that they were an advanced culture. It was then that I noticed there were two main Jardeen airlines. Jardeen Air and Air Jardeen. I thought this needlessly confusing. I later discovered that the Jardeen Sub Committee on Airports which is appointed by The Committee Of 17 did not!!! As my Jardeen adventure progressed and I began to learn more about Jardeen culture I was amazed to discover that 80% of the Jardeen people and 100 % of the leaders are followers of an ancient religion known as Kuulang Shang which has been shrouded in mystery and suspicion for eons. The primary Saint of this religion is none other than their venerated first Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao . Two of the main tenants of this religion are that “Lucidity Is The Enemy” and “NOTHING May Move Faster Than The Napping Panda Of Sichuan!!!” I digress a bit. If only I had known then what I know NOW!!!
I took a look around to get my bearings. Fortunately or so I thought I was near the right terminal. I approached the flight board. My flight was not listed. Curious I thought. I double checked to make sure I had read my ticket correctly. I had. It was time to seek help. I found a Jardeen C.S.R. that allegedly spoke English. I asked her for help. BIG MISTAKE!!! She assured me that the ticket was a misprint and I actually belonged in the other Jardeen airline’s terminal. A voice in my head said “Don’t listen to her,DON’T”. Sometimes you should listen to the voices in your head. THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON!! Off I went to the other terminal. I wasn’t playing this time. Immediately I found a C.S.R. BIG MISTAKE!! I was beginning to suspect that customer service was a foreign concept to the Jardeen. A suspicion that was later confirmed by much experience.It seems that another principle of their religion is ” Knowledge Is Dangerous”. Apparently it is not safe to know ANYTHING that your boss doesn’t . For that reason initiative and creativity are discouraged. ANY Jardeen underling wants only the EXACT ,SPECIFIC knowledge required to do ONLY their jobs. Questions will confuse them. A hissy fit will make them nervous.When they are confused YOU will get absolutely ZERO results. When they are nervous you will get results. They will hate you passionately but you WILL get results. I had twenty minutes to get results. Since I was not expecting any problems I had only brought $250 with me .I had no return ticket to America. If I missed this flight I was in BIG trouble. It DEFINITELY was time to start being concerned. Not panic –YET just concern. She looked at my ticket. A look of amazed bemusement came upon her. Ten other Jardeen C.S.R.’s are giggling softly but noticeably. A glance at my watch revealed that it was now 11:30. 30 minutes flushed down into the kairotic Jardeen abyss. It was time for an American solution to this problem. I pulled a hissy fit and demanded to speak to someone that could fix this problem. IMMEDIATELY!!!! Five minutes later I was being escorted personally by the manager of this terminal to the other terminal.
Ahh sweet relief !!!! Problem solved. Think again Rimnak!!! My flight was indeed at this terminal but there were 85 people in front of me at one check in station for all 85 passengers.{Remember here the tenant of their religion which states “Lucidity Is The Enemy!!} What will he do now you ask?Well I marched right up to the front of the line and explained politely but firmly that I was an American teacher on my way to Jardeen to teach at a university so I MUST be allowed to cut in front of all of these other people and get on my plane which is leaving in TEN MINUTES as any self respecting American would do. As even you would do. “No dice lao wai / foreigner!!!}
ANGER!!! RESENTMENT!!! HATRED!!!
It was at the precise moment that Jardeen security
was eyeing me furtively and I was planning the strategy of my impending tantrum that it happened.
She was an absolutely beautiful Jardeen woman!!
I have been all over the world and I have seen some beautiful women from many different cultures so when I tell you that she was easily in the top 1 percentile you should have no reason to doubt me. I enjoyed watching her walk in the same way I enjoy listening to Diana Krall sing. Her eyes were a combination of the sparkle of Hawaiian rainbows and the sensuality of the Appalachian Rains. Launch sequence was activated!!!
She walked right up to me looked me right straight in the eyes smiled that sweet smile of The Jardeen Rose which all lao wai come to know and love and whispered in perfect English in that soft , low and sexy yet innocent voice
Don’t worry sir. The plane will wait for you.
WOW!! Beauty , Charm , Sex Appeal , Brains AND Humor.
My attitude towards the Jardeen began to change. She had sparked a metamorphosis. While I never did get her name or see her again I thank her for that.
And thusly was my first impression of China indelibly burned into my psyche.
P.S.: I later found out that this is a little game that the two terminals like to play with each other and with the “lao wai” they deal with. Regardless of your feelings about any cultural problem or any people you MUST respect a sense of humor no matter how much it confused you at the time. I certainly do!! LoL I also found out that ALL the people in that line were on my flight. They were all lao wai teachers going to various universities in China. Most of them were going to my university. I came to know quite a few of them well.
P.P.S. : Isn’t it curious how all the bad impressions seem to fade over time and let us remember fondly the good times and good impressions.
“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us.These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.
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