December 24, 2010 7 Comments
BREAKING NEWS !!! BREAKING NEWS !!! BREAKING NEWS !!!
The following is a News Bulletin from The Cracker News Broadcasting Corp — The OTHER CNBC.
Dateline : Chicago Illinois Dec. 23 , 2010
Earlier this week a noted Chicago politician stirred up a hornet’s nest in a neighborhood he should have had the great good sense to leave well enough alone. The Future Cracker Congressman from Az. presently residing in Chicago , Illinois The Honorable but apparently not terribly bright Mr. Israel Vasquez posted the picture and caption appearing below on his Facebook page.
Quote Mr. Vasquez ” It’s time to tell the kids that Santa Claus is dead. “
Well not terribly surprisingly Mr. Velasquez’s actions and sentiments did not go un-noticed in The Hallowed Halls of The Fat Man’s Workshop. Earlier this evening The Fat Man exacted his revenge.
At approximately 11:30 this evening while Mr. Velasquez was taking his late night constitution through the neighborhood The Fat Man’s Posse STRUCK!!! Mr. Velasquez was cornered in a dark alley by a group of HIGHLY pissed and extremely vicious Elves and beaten severely with GIANT candy canes. Mr. Velasquez was found with assorted broken bones , his mouth taped shut with a piece of fruticake in it by a Christmas ribbon and a tattoo of an Elves Posse on his L forearm with the phrase ” Rollo was here.” CNBC has also learned that Mr. Velasquez’s house has been painted red , white and green and had a huge sculpture of Santa and his reindeer erected on the front lawn and Merry Christmas spray painted about the property. Mr. Velasquez is understandably very shaken but is currently resting comfortably in the hospital. His Doctors have assured him and his family and an adoring public sans the Elf and Santa constituencies of a full recovery . Our sources report that like the true politician he is Mr. Velasquez is already consulting with his team to determine how he can win back the Santa and Elf constituencies of his district.
CNBC wonders how the Hell it is that an obviously highly intelligent man such as Mr. Velasquez doesn’t know that there are three things you don’t do in America? You don’t tug on Superman’s Cape, you don’t pull the mask off of The Lone Ranger and you NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER FUCK WITH SANTA CLAUS !! CNBC also thinks that anybody that is STILL wearing bow ties probably deserved the beating he got anyway. Is it any wonder that the country is in the shape it’s in when we have politicians THIS FREAKING DUMB !!?? Yes yes I know those are editorial comments. We’ve been through this MANY times before. It’s MY DAMN BLOG !!!
The above story was obviously inspired by the Esteemed Future Cracker Congressman from Az. Israel Vasquez. Merry Christmas Israel. Don’t worry about the tattoo they have people now that can remove those. I’d keep my eye on The Fat Man and Rollo though. It may NOT be over yet !!! lol You know how those damn Elves can be.
Flour to the Crackers !! We SHALL bake !!!
Now go spread your crumbs around Crackers !!