Lucidity Is THE Enemy # 4 ” The Underwear Bomber “

Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao’s  Miracle

Lucidity Is THE Enemy # 4 ” The Underwear Bomber ” 

By Spaced Teacher

About two years ago when I was in one of my frequent ” I hate China ” moods due to Chinese stupidity I made the decision to come home. I had reached the limits of my patience with China and the Chinese. I packed all of my belongings which consisted of about ten pairs of pants and underwear , ten shirts , 2 Spring / Fall coats , 1 Winter coat , ten pair of socks  $ 1,000 worth of educational DVDs I use for my students that I bought in China , a computer printer that I bought in China , a camcorder that I bought in China , some photographic equipment that I bought in China , three pairs of shoes that I bought in China and a mobile phone that I bought in America into three medium size boxes and shipped them home via the Chinese Post Office. When shipping via the Chinese post Office everything being shipped is inspected and cleared by Chinese customs / postal officials. I was prepared to leave for home in two weeks. God had other ideas. She has a vicious sense of humor. A couple of days after I shipped my belongings home a friend called me and asked if I was indeed going home. I replied in the affirmative. He told me of a job opening at a school run by a very good friend of his and begged me to please call her and have a phone interview. Since he was a good friend I consented. The job indeed was quite a good one and offered a two year contract. Since I was quickly approaching Chronologically Advanced status which means my job prospects in America were dim at best I consented to stay. God’s vicious sense of humor stirkes again !!

Fast forward two years.

I’ve now signed my second two year contract with this school so it’s time to send my property back to China. Knowing the efficiency of the American Post Office I decide to send them back via Fed Ex. I check with Fed Ex to confirm that they can ship to China. ” No problem ” I’m assured. I pay the bill and the property is shipped. Seven days later I’m notified that the package will be at the main gate of my school the Friday of the current week. They are unable to tell me what time or even if it will be afternoon or evening. Right then I realize I’m probably in very deep shit. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee have my property and there doesn’t appear to be a Jardeen Rose anywhere to be found. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao is going to torment me yet again I fear. Very soon afterward my fears would come to fruition. 8:00  A.M. Friday comes and I’m sitting  at the main gate  of the school in my beach chair listening to my MP 3 player and drinking my morning coffee while waiting for the Fed Ex truck. Nine hours later and still no Fed Ex truck has come. Back I go to my apartment to check with Fed Ex. ” Your package is in customs in Beijing” I’m told. ” They need further info.”  I’m instructed to have my Foreign Affairs Officer at my school confirm my identity and employment at my school and to send them a copy of my employment contract , an excruciatingly detailed list of the contents , my Expert Workers Certificate and my Passport. Note they want my actual passport not a copy. I am loathe to give them my passport for obvious reasons but there is no other option so I send the required info. Three days pass and I’m informed by my F.A.O. that they won’t release my property. Now keep in mind here that the very same government that inspects every item sent via the Chinese Post Office refuses to open these packages and inspect them to allay any fears or suspicions they may have about the contents therein. I beg , I plead earnestly all to no avail. ” Lucidity is indeed THE enemy for these people! The rules are the rules ” I’m told ” They can not even be bent never mind broken for anyone for any reason ever . ” Apparently The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee who work in The Chinese Customs Office in Beijing are scared to death that the Meiguo Guadzi { American Devil } is an underwear bomber terrorist and if they open my package it will explode and they will be sleeping with The Ghastly Appartion  A.K.A.  Chaiman Mao . I know this is pure unadulterated bulshit. Friends in China anything can be done if you know the right people and have enough money. Unfortunatley I do  not have either of those resources. I go to my F.A.O. again and ask him to please find someone with the appropriate weight / connections to get this done. I know that somewhere in this city and probably right here at this university there is somebody that can get this done. He refuses , in all likelihood because it means  a little work for him. I press him for action and he still refuses. I shift gears hoping that I can do an end run around all of this stupidity. I ask him what is the real reason Customs won’t release my property. I’m told it’s because I’ve not been out of the country in three months so my passport lacks some needed mark and that the package is too BIG. I concede this battle. I will never concede the war. Trust me friends when I tell you that some Chinese person sooner or later is going to pay for the stupidity of The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee. I will get the $ 8,000 back by hook or by crook. Take it to the bank!!  I will put a little chink in The Great Wall Of Chinese Stupidity !!

Four months later and my property as far as I know is still sitting in Chinese Customs in Beijing. I’m absolutley certain that relatively soon this will be delcared abandoned property and some HaNazee will come into an $ 8,000 bonanza at my expense. In the meantime I’m out $ 8,000 and absolutley no Chinese person gives a damn. China is safe for Communism. That is all that matters to them. The Meiguo Guadzi { American Devil } underwear bomber terrorist has been thwarted. Can you imagine what would have happened had any of my soiled underwear been in the package? HaNazee all over the world are shuddering at the mere thought of that prospect. God’s vicious sense of humor again??

The cherry on top of this ice cream sundae of stupidity is that the very same F.A.O. that knows all of the details of this sordid tale thusly knowing why I don’t have very many nice clothes berated me just the other day about how I dress on my own PERSONAL time.

I’m getting really tired of God’s TwISteD way of dealing with me. lol  Where are The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan when I need them?

For any of you that would like to read more of my stories about doing business in China or dealing with the Chinese government I suggest that you click on the links below.

” If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao “ 1 , 2 , 3 , 4

” Lucidity Is THE Enemy  ”  1 2 3

Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season

Readers please be aware that these stories of  ” Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao’s Miracle ”  are written in two different threads. ” Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee ” are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while ” The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan” is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner’s perspective.You’re probably thinking ” My God how presumptuous of him.” Trust me somebody had to do it. They’ve had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author’s ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can’t remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It’s part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that ” Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos ” will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

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