Cracker News Broadcasting Corp. — The OTHER CNBC is pleased to introduce a new commentary writer to you. Her name is Cracker Paula. I find her very passionate and articulate. I think you will also. Cracker Paula’s first official commentary for CNBC is below. We hope you will enjoy it.
Where Are The Singing Crackers?
by Cracker Paula
One morning long ago in 2001, I was sleeping in my Cracker apartment when my phone woke me up. On the other end of the line was my son. Now my son is all grown up and a Cracker man through and through. I asked him why on earth he was calling me at such an unearthly hour I believe it was 9:30 a.m. He told me to get myself to the nearest tv set. I asked him why. He said something big had happened and for me just to turn on my tv. He said it was the biggest news story of his lifetime, even bigger than the exploding of Challenger. Right then I knew it was serious. It was.
I turned my tv on to find that , in the immortal words of George W. Bush, Crackerland was under attack. Not only was it a bigger story than the Challenger, I knew it was as big a story as Pearl Harbor. I had spent many hours listening to my Cracker parents discuss the latter event , often with their Cracker friends. Someone would say, “ Now on Dec. 7, 1941, I was…” Then they would tell what they had been doing and where they were and who told them, and what they did. My older Cracker uncles all joined the Army the next morning. I trust many of you Baby Boomer Crackers remember similar stories, told on the porch by our Cracker Mothers and their friends while snapping green beans, or by our Cracker Daddies and his friends while they were running trot lines or sitting in the yard drinking beer on Sunday afternoon.
When Pearl Harbor happened, it was obvious who the perpetrators of the attack were, because the small airplanes used that day all had the symbol of the Rising Sun painted on them and there were hundreds of them. The large airplanes used on September 11 had the logos of American Airlines and United Airlines and there were only four of them. It did not take long for us to find out who had controlled those four airplanes used to kill so many of our Cracker brethren.
We know who did it and we know why they did it, and we know that given a chance, they will do it again. We also know that they represent of larger subset of people , who because of their religion, hate all us Crackers.
Their religion seems to have motivated the destruction of those four airplanes and whatever was in their path, as well as those whose misfortune it was to be flying on those planes. Now we learn that adherents to this same religion want to put a big landmark at the scene of the worst destruction.
Recently I called on members of the Clergy to rally behind the cause of the Cracker Nation. The Communion Wafers represent the best of us. Now I would like to call on a different element, some might think them the worst of us, to rally to the Cracker Cause.
Long ago, Crackers from Italy came to Crackerland and for what ever reasons began to exploit other Crackers. Up in New York City, five families of Italian Crackers soon had control of many aspects of the lives of all the other Crackers. They controlled who baked the Crackers, where the flour came from, and who hauled the Crackers around, as well as the construction of the Cracker factories themselves. Those folks are still around and still exert a lot of influence .
The enemies of Crackerland now want to build a huge Community Center called the “Cordoba House Project”. up in New York City. Cordoba House? Yes, this is a reference to how pissed off they still are that some of our Cracker Ancestors kicked them out of Cordoba, Spain several hundred years ago. These people can’t just accept defeat. They are trying to drag the memory of their past losses into the present as if somehow, we modern day Crackers had something to do with that whole business. We did not. Moreover, these people think if they build a “Cordoba House“, it will represent their presumed victory over us on September 11, 2001. We Crackers cannot let this happen.
To that end I call on the Cracker families and associates of those Italian Crackers who live in New York City to stand up , climb out of the tossed salad that you have so long enjoyed and do something meaningful for Crackerland, the nation that has allowed you to arise to prosperity where you have slathered yourself in only the finest butters , jams and spreads. These Cracker families are descended from the Cracker Patriarchs Genovese, Gambino and Lucchese, and to a somewhat lesser extent, Bonanno and Columbo. You Crackers still control who builds what in New York City. You still control the trucks and jackhammers in Manhattan, the neighborhood where our enemies are trying to perpetrate this insult on us all. Your families enjoyed great respect in your communities until some Blue Blood Cracker named Robert Kennedy came along and crumbled your assets. This is your golden opportunity to set things right and bake a legacy for the future.
For those of you who don’t like these Soprano singing Crackers, I say this: Better a Cracker you know than an enemy who wants to lop off your heads with a dull sword.
As always CNBC invites your comments on the above column.