Puff The Magic Dragon vs. Freddy Kreuger

The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan

By Spaced Teacher

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees

Puff The Magic Dragon vs Freddy Kreuger

By Spaced Teacher

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Oh mighty Dragon of Hannah Li by The Graces Of “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” I seek thine protection”

There the prayer had been said. I must admit though that I was a bit confused. I had heard of the legend of this Dragon. What did he have to do with my problem? No one had even heard from him in about 30 years? In spite of my faith in “The Sisters And Brothers” a kernel of doubt was beginning to form in the husk of my faith.

So now what? I waited!! about 5 minutes went by and then right there in my living room a giant puff of smoke and he was sitting in my reclining chair!!! “Fear not child.” he said to me. “The Sisters” have told me of your disturbing visions. You have nothing to be alarmed about. You are now under the protection of the ” Dragon’s Of The Gardens And Forests.” And then the enlightenment began.

I learned from the Dragon that when The evil Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao was cast out of Righteous Jardeen Nation by Sheng Di for his rebellion against her and exiled to live in The Eastern Badlands he hatched a secret plot. Or so he thought it was secret. He took 100 members of “The Brothers And Sisters of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos” and formed two secret battalions. Not even the other “Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos” know of these battalions. But Sheng Di already did and so did “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Chinese Rose And Jasmine.” Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao charged these battalions with sowing the seeds of ignorance and chaos in a new previously unseen way. It was especially devious even for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao!! He charged “The Brothers and Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance” with sowing the seeds of ignorance by attacking Sheng Di’s believers known as “The Kindred Spirits” by day. If you find your self walking around all day talking to yourself , wasting time , forgetting where you put things. saying pointlessly to every question asked of you” I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” etc etc you are probably under attack by “The Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance” . “The Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Chaos” were charged with attacking “The Kindred Spirits” by night.” They had a particularly nasty tactic. They appeared in “The Kindred Spirits” dreams by night to sow the seeds of ignorance and chaos. If you talk in your sleep especially if you say things like ” I don’t know” or I don’t understand” you are probably under attack by “The Sisters And Brothers Of Jardeen Chaos.” This was done with the goal of weakening “The Kindred Spirits” faith in Sheng Di enough so that Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao could finally be rid of that infernal lao wai Jardeen God and “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” as an added bonus.

Sheng Di sitting high in the Divinely cloud shrouded Yellow Mountains was ready for this attack. She quietly without fanfare released her forces. The battle was joined on a new front. Sheng Di had taken 100 of the most devout “Kindred Spirits” and given them Divine protection. She Called them “The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forrests”. They were her High Priests. Whenever they appear to a “Kindred Spirit” under attack they will come in the form of a dragon. Pretty good I.D. protection I think. Would you agree? Sheng Di having a Divine sense of humor commanded that the leader of the Dragons be named Puff. She probably did this just to mind fuck Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao.

Well my initial instincts were coming true. This wasn’t “The Exorcist”. There was no Jardeenic spirit trying to steal my soul for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. My worst fears were realized . I was right . This was something far more evil in it’s nature. This was some HaNazee Freddy Kreuger trying to steal my sanity for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. A ” Nightmare On Some Dreary Dismal HaNazee Elm St.” if you will.

Take heart my friends. I have no fear. And you needn’t either. I have the ” The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” “The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forrests” and Sheng Di herself on my side!! I can’t be beaten!!!

Friends whenever you feel you are under attack by the forces of chaos and ignorance always praise Sheng Di , seek “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” and invoke the name of Puff The Magic Dragon. And you will be unbeatable also.

By the Grace of Li Tan

May peace be upon you.

Readers please be aware that these stories of ” Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. ” Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee ” are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while ” The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan” is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner’s perspective.You’re probably thinking ” My God how presumptuous of him.” Trust me somebody had to do it. They’ve had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author’s ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can’t remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It’s part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine.
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

 

 

 

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that ” Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos ” will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He/ she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

Coffee and Rose

The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees

“Coffee and Rose”

AND

“ Puff The Magic Dragon vs Freddy Kreuger ”

By Spaced Teacher

The sexy , sensual aroma of her Kona essence was calling to me. Her scent drifted into my semi-concious state and gently caressed me. I could not resist Coffee!! Her powers are seductive and addictive. I must go to her as a good lover should!!

I sat at the kitchen table and said good morning to my Chinese girlfriend Meigui.

 Before I could even greet Coffee, Rose A.K.A. Meigui asked me directly if I was O.K. This was a cause for great concern my friends. You see Chinese people never ask or do anything directly , especially when it concerns a “lao wai”. If you’ve been following the story you will know that this concept originated with Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao , the first HaNazee Emperor of China. If a Chinese person asks you if you are hungry you are always supposed to say no. Even if you are hungry. It’s the polite thing to do.After you have said you are not hungry they will ask you where you would like to eat. It’s the polite thing to do. Only then can you really decide if either of you is really hungry and whether or not you’d like to eat and where. After the meal will come the whole 20 minute argument about who will pay the bill. That will be a story for another time.Remember readers that when it comes to dealing with “lao wai” Chinese people have been taught to always obfuscate, frustrate,delay,misdirect and anger the “lao wai”. This has to do with some of their religious /philosophical teachings such as “Lucidity Is The Enemy” and always sow seeds of chaos and ignorance from “The Garden Of Chaos” and “The Forrest Of Ignorance”!! This Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao was a real piece of work and is a constant pain in my ass!!

So considering that Meigui asked me about my health abruptly with no subtlety at all was very out of character for a Chinese woman and thusly a cause of serious concern for me I was deeply troubled. I needed to get answers quickly!! How to do that? I have not learned this ” obfuscate , delay , frustrate , misdirect, anger” game’s subtleties yet. What would I do? How could I gt the answers I needed? It was then that the ” American Voice Of Reason” who sublets a small apartment in my mind spoke to me. “Roll the dice Rimnak!!” So I did.

“Meigui / Rose why are you concerned about my health?” ” “Last night you tossed and turned all night. You must have been having nightmares. You were also talking in your sleep.”  Interesting I thought.And maybe a bit scary. ” What was I saying” I asked Meigui. ” All night long you kept screaming “I don’t know” “I don’t” understand” WoW I thought. I got a direct answer to a direct question from a Chinese person!! I was now very concerned for two reasons. The first one was because Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao also instructed his followers to  behave in a rational way from time to time. This was done to keep the “lao wai” off balance. It happens about twenty per cent of the time. The second was because the Emperor also made his followers swear an oath to him when he rebuked Sheng Di’s authority and set up his own Kingdom in the Eastern Badlands. That oath was ” Wo Bu Zhi Dao” or in your English language ” I Don’t Know”.

Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao is going to find out soon courtesy of Sheng Di

Oh my God !! What was going on here. Was I unbeknownst even to my self a follower of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao? Was some evil HaNazee spirit sent to steal my soul for EmperorWo Bu Zhi Dao’s Kingdom?
Now I was horribly frightened!! I needed help. Should I seek a priest? Was this my own personal “Exorcist” movie? I didn’t know it at the time but there was something far more evil than an “Exorcist” scenario going on here.

It was then that I smelled the soft delicate scent of roses and jasmine. A Sister was near!! Bless Sheng Di I shouted. Praise Li Tan!!! I immediately set out some rose and jasmine incense to seek the Sister.She came to me. I didn’t need to say a word to her. She knew my troubles. And this was what she said to me.

Say the prayer and The Dragon will come.

The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees

Puff The Magic Dragon vs Freddy Kreuger

By Spaced Teacher

.
Oh mighty Dragon of Hannah Li by The Graces Of “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” I seek thine protection”

There the prayer had been said. I must admit though that I was a bit confused. I had heard of the legend of this Dragon. What did he have to do with my problem? No one had even heard from him in about 30 years? In spite of my faith in “The Sisters And Brothers” a kernel of doubt was beginning to form in the husk of my faith.

So now what? I waited!! about 5 minutes went by and then right there in my living room a giant puff of smoke and he was sitting in my reclining chair!!! “Fear not child.” he said to me. “The Sisters” have told me of your disturbing visions. You have nothing to be alarmed about. You are now under the protection of the ” Dragon’s Of The Gardens And Forests.” And then the enlightenment began.

I learned from the Dragon that when The evil Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao was cast out of Righteous Jardeen Nation by Sheng Di for his rebellion against her and exiled to live in The Eastern Badlands he hatched a secret plot. Or so he thought it was secret. He took 100 members of “The Brothers And Sisters of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos” and formed two secret battalions. Not even the other “Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos” know of these battalions. But Sheng Di already did and so did “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Chinese Rose And Jasmine.” Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao charged these battalions with sowing the seeds of ignorance and chaos in a new previously unseen way. It was especially devious even for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao!! He charged “The Brothers and Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance” with sowing the seeds of ignorance by attacking Sheng Di’s believers known as “The Kindred Spirits” by day. If you find your self walking around all day talking to yourself , wasting time , forgetting where you put things. saying pointlessly to every question asked of you” I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” etc etc you are probably under attack by “The Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance” . “The Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Chaos” were charged with attacking “The Kindred Spirits” by night.” They had a particularly nasty tactic. They appeared in “The Kindred Spirits” dreams by night to sow the seeds of ignorance and chaos. If you talk in your sleep especially if you say things like ” I don’t know” or I don’t understand” you are probably under attack by “The Sisters And Brothers Of Jardeen Chaos.” This was done with the goal of weakening “The Kindred Spirits” faith in Sheng Di enough so that Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao could finally be rid of that infernal lao wai Jardeen God and “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” as an added bonus.

Sheng Di sitting high in the Divinely cloud shrouded Yellow Mountains was ready for this attack. She quietly without fanfare released her forces. The battle was joined on a new front. Sheng Di had taken 100 of the most devout “Kindred Spirits” and given them Divine protection. She Called them “The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forrests”. They were her High Priests. Whenever they appear to a “Kindred Spirit” under attack they will come in the form of a dragon. Pretty good I.D. protection I think. Would you agree? Sheng Di having a Divine sense of humor commanded that the leader of the Dragons be named Puff. She probably did this just to mind fuck Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao.

Well my initial instincts were coming true. This wasn’t “The Exorcist”. There was no Jardeenic spirit trying to steal my soul for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. My worst fears were realized . I was right . This was something far more evil in it’s nature. This was some HaNazee Freddy Kreuger trying to steal my sanity for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. A ” Nightmare On Some Dreary Dismal HaNazee Elm St.” if you will.

Take heart my friends. I have no fear. And you needn’t either. I have the ” The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” “The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forrests” and Sheng Di herself on my side!! I can’t be beaten!!!

Friends whenever you feel you are under attack by the forces of chaos and ignorance always praise Sheng Di , seek “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” and invoke the name of Puff The Magic Dragon. And you will be unbeatable also.

By the Grace of Li Tan

May peace be upon you.

Readers please be aware that these stories of ” Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. ” Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee ” are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while ” The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan” is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner’s perspective.You’re probably thinking ” My God how presumptuous of him.” Trust me somebody had to do it. They’ve had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author’s ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can’t remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It’s part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that ” Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos ” will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

The Circle Of Strife

The Circle Of Strife

By Spacedteacher

When I first came to China I was a normal , fun loving , healthy American female with blond hair , blue eyes and white skin. After ten years in China I am perpetually confused , I have high blood pressure, my hair has turned white,my skin now appears yellow to me and my eyes have glazed over and spin in a counter clockwise direction. All of this is largely the fault of my Chinese students. My daughters tell me I’m beginning to look Chinese. They also tell me they can’t understand me anymore. I’m considering whether or not to be frightened by this. I’ve not made a definitive decision as yet.

In Chinese Mythology their country is known as The Middle Kingdom. They believe they are between Heaven and Hell. In their way of thinking China is paradise on Earth while waiting for  St. Peter to open The Pearly Gates. O.K. O.K. that is not the way the Chinese would express it but for a Western audience that is what they mean. Curiously they don’t even seem to consider the concept  that since they view  their country as between Heaven and Hell that perhaps they are not The High Church of Chinese Humanity but rather The Honky Tonk on Hell’s Highway. In any case I have a different name for their country. Considering that they live in their own chaotic twisted little universe I have named their country The Middle Cosmos. Buckle up Javshi it’s going to be a wild ride.

In America life was far easier with regards to life’s mundane chores than here in China. Here if I want to do even the simplest of life’s chores such as grocery shopping , local traveling , restaurant dining , laundry etc a meeting of The Committee of 17 { Local Branch }must be convened to discuss the matter in a subcommitte.It may be dangerous after all to let the lao wai  / foreigners loose in our cities to go shopping. This meeting may last anywhere from twenty minutes to three months depending upon how close to a meal time it is when you initially ask or possibly even more depending on the perceived complexity and danger of the given situation. Once The Committe of 17 {Local Branch}has made their decision they then must kick it upstairs to the National Committe. If the National Committe concurs with the Local Committe they then consult with The Ghost of Chairman Mao. If the Ghastly Apparition concurs then I may proceed according to their strict instructions and ALWAYS with the threat of ” step out of line and the man will come and take you away” shadowing my every move. If the answer is no an atom bomb wouldn’t change their minds. At that point I would let my Yankee Ingenuity take over and solve the problem without even telling them. That’s probably what the ” lao wai ” should always do but there is a danger in that philosophy. They will not be pleased if they catch you. You may become an involuntary organ donor. It’s generally a wise decision to at least try to play by their usually inane rules.

Ahhh the good life / hao ri zi. Those of you with the Chinese experience understand. Those of you that don’t have the Chinese experience I invite you to come visit or better yet take a working vacation and come teach for a year or two.

Once that charming and intoxicating Jardeen rose touches you you’ll never be the same.God works in  mysterious ways. I’ll get those damn Christian magazine publishers if it’s the last thing I do. lol

The Crabgrass In Humanity’s Garden { Perez Hilton }

Re-published from July 2009.

Dear Readers :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  In every garden there are some weeds. I have decided that it’s time that we should honor some of the more troublesome weeds in our garden. I’ll start the ball rolling.

Today’s nomination is Perez Hilton. As evidence in support of  ” Mr. ” Hilton’s nomination I refer you to the way this ” man ” treated Carrie Prejean in The Miss U.S.A. contest. What a freaking disgrace this crabgrass in Humanity’s Garden is. Can somebody please explain to me how a gay ” man ” is selected to be a judge in a contest of FEMININE beauty? Judging by ” Mr. ” Hilton’s actions and Miss Prejean’s response to them I now know that while ” Mr.” Hilton may indeed be a genetic male it’s Miss Prejean that was blessed with ” the stones .” You go girl!!!

I invite your comments.

We encourage all of our Conservative Brothers and Sisters to nominate their own favorite Dumbasses er er    ” weeds “.The ultimate winner as the most pernicious weed will win 500 lbs of manure. That seems like a fitting award to me considering all the bullshit they spew. Even Dumbasses / Weeds must run out of shit eventually.

We urge you to vote the Dumbass / Liberon Way. Early and often. Oh and if you are an illegal immigrant or dead or wish to override the will of the people by judicial fiat don’t let that stop you.

If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao

” Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos “

“If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao # 1”

By Spaced Teacher

If you are one of those people that is foolish enough to believe the current politically correct view that China is going to rule the world soon I have good news for you.Don’t believe it!! It isn’t going to happen in your lifetime. I seriously doubt that China will ever rule the world. Assuming they do some day though it is at least 100 years in the future and realistically it’s probably 500 years in the future. When I ask my 20 year old Chinese students how long they think it will be the vast majority say 50 years. Now make no mistake it’s not that they couldn’t it’s that they won’t. I will explain below.

In The HaNazee Holy Book’s Ten Commandments there is one that states the following. As described below :

” Nothing Or NOBODY In All Of China { Jardeen} May Move Faster Than ” The Napping Panda Of Sichuan “.

Emeperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao who was the first HaNazee Emperor  of China was deathly afraid that if his people became too ambitious , efficient and educated they would revolt and toss him and his cronies out of the Palace.He would then need to get the one thing that all HaNazees , especially the men , fear the most. A real job. In The Dreaded Private Sector!!! He wasn’t about to let that happen!!To this day that attitude is still prevalent in China.

When I came to this university I was told that we would be moving into a brand new state of the art building which was specifically designed for the foreign staff and students. I arrived here in March , it is now June and we are still staying in the hotel they initially quartered us in. We are still hearing the move is iminent. LoL I have subsequently spoken to one of the Australian teachers who was here last year. He informed me that he was told that he would be moving into that complex last year. His advice was to not get too excited about it one way or the other.

The Napping Panda Of Sichuan is cutting some zzzzz’s. lol

About 5 weeks ago the hot water in this hotel stopped. Apparently the water boiler broke.It’s very hard for me to believe that The Information Age has reached China yet since everybody in a position of authority that we asked had very little information about this. All we were told was that they had to seek bids and that it would be fixed in about 10 days. Ten days came and went. We asked again. We were told it would be fixed in two to three weeks. Two – three weeks came and went . We asked again. This time we were told it was indefinite. Being rational well educated , if a bit ripe at this point , lao wai / foreigners we asked why. We were told that they were having the necessary equipment shipped in. My guess is that first they have to make it then ship it. I further postulate that since shipping by air is a bit tai guela / expensive and they wish to save some money they are shipping it via donkey cart. We are now at six weeks and counting. Meiyou / zero hot water boiler and about twenty very ripe lao wai / foreigners. There is no end in site. Apparently The Nappping Panda of Sichuan is taking a prolonged snooze this time.

The thing that really amazes me about this whole situation is that the Chinse people just accept it.This hotel is one of the more expensive hotels in this town. It costs about $ 18.00 / 150 R.M.B. a night to stay here. Now by American standards that is not a lot of money but trust me when I tell you that is a significant amount of money by Chinese standards. The way the hotel has handled this is by giving each Chinese guest a 2 RMB / 25 cent token for the public bath. The lao wai / foreigners get nothing. Apparently we are on our own in this matter. To date I have not noticed a drop in the hotel’s occupancy rates or any complaining by the Chinese guests. I find that very curious indeed. I also think it’s another part of the reason that they will never rule the world. As long as you are willing to accept only what the leaders  give you then development will continue to be excruciatingly slow. Can you imagine the reaction of American / Western guests at a comparable 4 star hotel in America or Europe to this situation? I’m reminded of the old saying about the Communists. I think it’s very applicable to this situation. ” If the Communists managed the desert there would be a shortage of sand.”

The Napping Panda of Sichuan is cutting some zzzz’s

P.S. : You may want to stay out of this town for the foreseeable future. There are many very ripe lao wai / foreigners here. It’s not pretty.

If you wish to read ” If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao # 2 “   just click the link.

If you wish to read ” If You Go Carrying Pictures of Chairman Mao # 3 “  just click the link.

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

Time In A Bottle

Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

This woman is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose” They are the sworn enemy of the HaNazee

Time In A Bottle

By Spaced Teacher

As a teacher in China this is my favorite time of year. It’s the time of year when I get to torture my Chinese students with all the stupidity , laziness , arrogance and lack of self respect they have displayed all semester. It’s final grades time. PAYBACK IS A BITCH!! LOL

Today I was going over my final grades with the student monitor of a particular class. The problem with this is that the university administration gives us the grading sheets in Chinese which none of us can read. This effectively means that we require a student to help us transpose the grades from English into the correct space on the grade sheet. The students knowing that we can’t read Chinese always try to cheat the system.I had told my students four weeks before the final exam to NOT be absent for ANY of the classes for the last four weeks.I do not ever tell them exactly when the finals will be exactly for this reason.Some will always be absent and beg and piss and moan for another chance. I also warned them that I would be leaving as soon as the semester was over so they’d need to make arrangements quickly if they did choose to be absent despite my warnings. As usual these warnings fell on many deaf  ears and we had a few that chose to be absent. While I and the student were transposing the grades today I caught her trying to add the name of  one of the boys that was absent and a grade for him. I informed her that while it was true that I was born at night I was not born last night. This was a complete tin roof to her. { Over her head}  I also informed her that I publish all the student’s marks on my website so if there were any discrepancies she could deal with it.Let’s just say that she was not successful in her cheating efforts this time.This whole affair made me reflect upon my first year teaching in China.

I was teaching at a university in Central China and  was a total rookie with a very romantic view of the poor mistreated Chinese. It wouldn’t take long for reality to set in.

I had made friends with an American lady teacher a few years younger than me. She thought that since her Chinese students were perpetually asking her about culture and American Holidays and that since it was close to Valentines Day she would assign a Valentine’s Day homework project. I’ll digress a bit. It’s always a huge mistake to believe the Chinese students when they tell you they want to learn about culture.They couldn’t be less interested in any culture other than their own if the truth be known. I don’t know the exact reason for this although I suspect that The Committee Of 17 Sub-Committee On Education tells them to ask the lao wai / foreigners about this because it makes them sound smart and sophisticated. It never occurs to them that they should ” talk the talk  AND walk the walk!!” In other words it never occurs to them that some lao wai / foreigner might actually be interested in speaking with them or teaching them about Western culture. When it happens it  is a definite Chinese mind fuck. That was the case here. This teacher also being innocent and interested in their wishes took them at their word and assigned them a project with Valentine’s Day as  the topic. BIG mistake!! LoL   Her assignment was to write something ORIGINAL to their  Valentine, either real or imagined ,such as a love song , poem , sonnet or short story. She gave them two weeks to do the assignment.

Three weeks had passed and one evening she knocked  on my door and asked me if I could come to her apartment to help her with something. Off we went to her place. She served me the obligatory cup of coffee and we got down to business. She was troubled by something one of her students had written for his assignment. I asked her why. Her reply was twofold. Firstly she was strongly suspicious that it was not original writing by the student. One look at what he’d written and I was able to confirm that for her. Secondly she was troubled that although she was sure she knew what this song was and indeed had heard it before she still couldn’t quite put her finger on it. I was able to quickly help her with this also. Below is what the student wrote. lol I’m very certain all of you that have attained a certain amount of chronological stature will know this one. I at least give the kid credit for having good musical taste. lol

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

When confronted with the evidence this Chinese student said one of the stock answers that they all will say in this situation. Bu ming bai { I didn’t understand } Ting bu dong. { I didn’t hear clearly } “Well in China —-blah blah blah” or my personal favorite and said with a very indignant tone.lol ” But THIS is China. ” Would you now like to consider anew how much money Western companies lose in intellectual property theft every year? Was it really a wise idea to let them into W.T.O. without enforcement laws that have teeth?

I’m  continually amazed that the Chinese students will put all this creative energy and effort into cheating. It would be far more productive for all concerned if they would  do the work honestly. If they would just simply adjust their attitudes a slight bit they might find that those degrees they earn from the Chinese version of Podunk U. ,which 95 % of Chinese universities are , their degrees might actually be worth something more than the paper they’re written on.It’s really sad that it’s this way because these kids are definitely not stupid. 95 % of them are however lazy , undisciplined , uncommitted and uninterested students. They are at university to play not work.This fact tremendously hampers the worthy students and in my opinion that fact hinders China’s development.

Be advised that 95 % of ALL mainland Chinese will cheat ALWAYS in EVERY situation be they academic , social, business or sports. They are also vindictive beyond belief but that is a story for another time.

Forewarned is forearmed.

DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE!!!

Do we need a better case in point to support my assertions?

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

Equal Justice In The Land Of The Rainbow Fascists

Dear Readers :

CNBC { Cracker Nation News Broadcasting } — the OTHER CNBC will now offer a commentary by Paul Stanner. This commentary originally was published in Mr. Stanner’s  political / social commentary blog about 1 year ago. We feel it merits another read.

Dear Readers :

I wonder if this sailor had been Black , Hispanic , female or Muslim if the verdict would have been the same. Do any of you have any doubts that the A.C.L.U. , La Raza , N.O.W. , Jessie Jackson , Al Sharpton and the usual assortment of Left Wing nut jobs would be demanding   ” justice ” to the high heavens? Unfortunately Steve Nary had the misfortune to be born white and male so it’s o k for him to spend 16 years of his life rotting in some California jail and being denied parole.How refreshing it would be to see somebody of consequence in the Rainbow Fascist Movement stand up and admit that this sailor was a victim of a severe miscarriage of  justice at the hands of their own ” political machine ” in this case.That unfortunately will happen when Saint Obama Of The Order Of The DANGS produces his birth certificate and ” the love that dare not speak it’s name ” just simply learns to STFU. It’s up to us now.

Write your elected representatives and DEMAND Steve Nary’s IMMEDIATE release.

I invite your comments.

Free ‘Gay’-Rape Victim Steven Nary!

By Jack Cashill

Posted: July 09, 2009
1:00 am Eastern

© 2009

A female sailor, 18-years-old, leaves her ship in the East Bay and takes the train into San Francisco. She meets up with a friend, and they go to the Palladium, a co-ed dance club for the under-25 set.

Like many sailors before her, male and female, this one has had too much to drink. She has gotten separated from her friend so she sits at a table by herself and watches the dancers.

An older gentleman, mid-50s with a charming Spanish accent, sits down at the same table. He is with two women. They leave, and he sidles over next to her.

The man’s interest in her seems entirely fatherly. And she, away from home for the first time, naïve and a little lonely, welcomes his conversation.

She checks her watch. Realizing the last train will soon be heading back, she excuses herself to leave. He tells her that he is driving out that way and would be happy to drop her off. Trusting, and still a little drunk, she accepts.

As they approach the seven-mile long Bay Bridge, the man confesses to having drunk too much and done too much coke. He suggests that she come back to the house where he and his wife live. She can spend the night — it is already very late — and he will drive her back in the morning. She accepts.

She remembers little that happens thereafter until he climbs on top of her, now naked, and attempts to rape her. She begs him to stop. He won’t. She grabs a mug off the nightstand and clobbers him with it.

The Golden State has abandoned liberalism for total insanity – read Jack Cashill’s “What’s the Matter with California?”

She continues to fight him off until he passes out. She grabs her clothes as best she can and heads out into the unknown streets of some distant part of the city and tries to make her way back to the ship.

When she finally returns to her ship, she has her wounds treated and then tells the chaplain what happened. As she discovers to her horror, the would-be rapist died in the fracas.

It turns out that the man was a leading Hispanic activist. The Navy, not wanting to ruffle feathers in an election year like 1996, turns her over to the San Francisco police.

The police arrest her. The D.A. tries her for second-degree murder. A pro-Hispanic jury in an anti-military town convicts her of second-degree murder and sends her to prison for 16 years to life.

Upon learning of such a case, is there a single thinking person who would not be outraged? Would not the streets of San Francisco fill with indignant women’s groups and friends of the military demanding justice?

Well, this is a true story. Only one fact has been changed. The sailor was a male. His name is Steven Nary, and no organized group has raised a peep in his defense.

As a result, after thirteen years in prison, Nary was just recently denied parole for at least five more years.

In truth, Nary’s case is even more troubling than the hypothetical case described above. His would-be rapist, Juan Pifarre, had entered the country illegally and stayed through a sham marriage.

Pifarre had a history. His one-time attorney and neighbor, Ralph Johansen, would testify that he had once defended Pifarre on an assault charge stemming from an incident at the same dance club.

Apparently, Pifarre had grabbed the crotch of a 19-year-old male and asked for oral sex. This led to a fight in which both were charged with battery.

Johansen had lived downstairs from Pifarre in San Francisco’s Castro district for 13 years until 1993. Many a night he saw Pifarre come home with what appeared to be young military types.

Often he heard “lots of noise, lots of screaming,” and at least once he heard a full-blown fight that culminated in a fist going through a window.

Would this chubby 53-year-old predator have gone to a co-ed dance club and attempted to rape a presumably straight sailor without some means of accomplishing this?

At the time, date rape drugs were all the rage in the darker recesses of gay culture, and Nary’s behavior was entirely consistent with someone who had been drugged. This did not come up at the trial.

Johansen characterized Pifarre as being “cold and angry” all of the time and often drunk. On still another occasion, he attempted to fondle an undercover officer in the restroom of San Jose park and was promptly arrested.

Pifarre’s behavior apparently did not change a whole heck of a lot when he moved to the Potrero Hill home where he died.

There, according to trial testimony, the downstairs neighbor gave “sort of a smirk” when the police asked whether she had ever heard altercations upstairs before.

In the early morning hours of Mar. 24, 1996, the sounds of violence had frightened her to tears, but tellingly, neither she nor her husband had thought to call the police.

None of this mattered at the Kangaroo trial Nary endured in 1999, a trial timed to coincide with the Laramie, Wyoming trial for one of Matthew Shepard’s killers.

Nary went up for parole for the first time on June 24, right in the middle of Gay Pride Week. San Francisco sent an assistant D.A. 200 miles to attend his parole hearing and make sure that Nary did not get out prematurely.

City officials still remember the riots that ensued when the killer of gay supervisor, Harvey Milk, received a light sentence. They saw that the gay hunger for “justice” can be no less frightening than that of a crowd of angry southern whites.

Now, only the governor of California can reverse the decision of the parole board. He has no more than ninety days to do so. If you know him, or even if you don’t, please e-mail him this article.

The Mayberry Factor

Dear Readers :

CNBC  {Cracker News Broadcasting  Corp . The OTHER CNBC  }will now present a commentary by Paul Stanner. This commentary originally appeared in Mr. Stanner’s social / political commentary blog on July 10 ,2009. We think in view of everything that is going on in the world right now it merits another consideration.

The Mayberry Factor

By Paul Stanner

Dear Readers :

I’m amazed how highly educated D.L.D.’s { Dumbasses  / Liberons / Democrats } can’t seem to grasp the concepts presented in two simple analogies such as  ” only dead fish go with the flow ” and ” a good point guard knows when to pass the ball “. I’ve been thinking about this since Sara announced her resignation from the Alaska governership. I think I’ve figured out why the D.L.D.’s hate her so viciously. It has to do with two conflicting views of what America should be.

Sara’s view is of a return to traditional American values. A time when the borders were protected , you had to become an American citizen the legal way , when Memorial Day The Fourth Of July and Veterans Day were still considered sacred holidays , when you didn’t have to live in fear of being a Christian , when The Pledge  Of Allegiance was still required , when American civics traditional American values and American heritage were still taught in the schools , when the military was honored , when hard work was encouraged , when volunteerism was a virtue , when America was viewed as a force for good in the world , when you were judged on the content of your character not on the color of your skin , when common decency was expected and DEMANDED. In short Ladies and Gentlmen a time when the best nature of the American people and the American Way were celebrated and encouraged. A vision which is directly antithetical to the D.L.D.’s vision.

The D.L.D.’s being  elitists by nature can’t understand why anybody would STILL entertain those antiquated ideas.The more benign D.L.D.’s consider Sara’s view as quaint and thusly are but an annoyance. The more activist D.L.D.’s however consider Sara’s views dangerous so consequently they pose a serious threat. Considering their agenda for America I submit that this threat is far more pernicious than even Sara’s supporters are aware. It goes beyond Sara and to the very core and fabric of America as the American people know her , like her and want her to stay. They also , although they probably wouldn’t admit it , are scared witless of her. A strong , confident , brilliant woman  who can express her ideas forcefully and with conviction is a serious threat to their vision. Couple those traits with the fact that in her personal life she walks the walk and talks the talk and it’s probably no wonder why the D.L.D.’ s are experiencing some discomfort. As has been the case for the last fourty years they have a disconnect with the common folks. The problem now is that since they have control of all aspects of American society they are emboldened to excessively dangerous extremes.They believe that  Sara must be destroyed at all costs by any means necessary BEFORE her vision prevails.They employ as a weapon in this battle The Politics Of Personal Destruction with wanton disregard of who gets hurt in the process. This is why they will mock a Down’s Syndrome child , make jokes about a 14 year old girl being raped by a major league ball player , focus  an inappropriately inordinate amount of concern on  her daughter’s pregnancy , knowingly attribute comments that she never made regarding Russia to her and incessantly file meritless ethics violations complaints against her which to date have all been found groundless. All of this and more is part of an orchestrated and coordinated attack on her by The Drive By Media and the Obama Political Machine.

In my opinion they will rue the day   they crossed her. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. When that woman is a mother that truism is doubly so. It’s going to be great fun watching Sara even the score once she has changed the parameters of the game. The thought of Saint Obama’s ” political jewels ” sitting on Sara’s fireplace mantle in Alaska has great appeal for me. You can run D.L.D.’s but you can’t hide. Sara is coming for you and she’s carrying a weapon. Soon the tune you’ll be singing will be a few octaves higher.

What we have here in a nutshell Ladies and Gentlemen is Mayberry R.F.D. vs Sodom and Gomorrah and L.A. The Bill Of Rights vs.  The Communist Manifesto. The time is drawing near when everybody will have to chooose up sides. Who’s side will you be on? Personally I hope Andy , Opie and Sara prevail. The thoughts of what kind of a world we will all live in should they not prevail is too frightening to think about. It’s YOUR choice citizens — ” Caribou Barbie ” Sara Palin or ” Uncle Joe Stalin ” Obama?

Cracker Nation Signs Endorsement Deal

BREAKING NEWS !!! BREAKING NEWS !!!

Cracker Nation Broadcasting Corp.

Dateline : Wall St. N.Y.C.

CLOUTUS { Cracker Leader Of The U.S. } Mr. Matt  ” Cracker ” Morgan announced today that Cracker Nation signed their first promotional deal  with Phillips Milk Of Magnesia. When asked for comment on why he signed the deal with the Phillips Milk of Magnesia folks CLOTUS  replied thusly : ”  If  Barack  Obama  ,Nancy Pelosi , Harry Reid , Barney Frank , The Congressional Black Caucus , The Congressional Hispanic Caucus , Rahm Emmanuel , Hilliary Clinton et tal don’t scare the shit out of you then you need another solution. As part of the endorsement deal the Phillips Milk of Magnesia folks are giving all citizens of Cracker Nation a 30 % discount on all of their products. Please get your discount cards at your local Cracker Barrel restaurant. We look forward to a long and mutually rewarding business relationship with the Phillips people.”

Reporting live for Cracker News Broadcasting Corp  the OTHER CNBC   from Wall St. N.Y.C.   Melissa ” Squirts ” Hogan

Flour to the Crackers !! We SHALL bake !!!

Now go spread your crumbs around Crakers!!!

Inspiration for this story came from Cracker Jackie Russo

The NAACP is at it AGAIN !!

BREAKING NEWS!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!!

CNBC { Cracker Nation News Broadcasting Corp. } The OTHER CNBC

Informed sources report that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People , The Nation Of Islam , The Southern Poverty Law Center and The New Black Panther Party will file a suit against the U.S. Geological Society and The U.S. Department of the Interior. The basis of the suit is that these two racist entities knew that the general Potomac Region of the U.S.A. sits on a well known , to them , earthquake fault that they have never bothered to inform the public about. According to the leader of The Nation of Islam ” Calypso” Louis Farrakhan  ” This is yet another example of a heinous racist plot perpetrated against the Noble People of Color by the Jewish Cabal that controls the whole media apparatus in America and those nasty Republicans under the direction of George Bush. Their desire was to see this earthquake wipe out the colored populations of the Potomac Region so that they could buy up all the property at dirt cheap rates.” Clarence ” Trash Mouth “

Hankins The Director of Communications for The New Black Panther Party said the following ” Those racist geologists had better watch their Cracka backs. We are ready to rumble with them in their own labs. “

We at CNBC pray that ” Trash Mouth ” gets his wish. What huge fun it would be to see a bunch of  Lady geologists armed with ball point pens and clip boards hand the Black Panthers their collective heads. Yes yes we know that was an editorial comment. Here are a couple of more. CNBC wonders if these folks realize that White people also live in the Potomac region? CNBC is also wondering if this turn of events will prevent the Reverend Mr. ” Calypso ” Louis Farrakhan from attending the One Million Cracker Picnic as he had earlier promised?

In conclusion CNBC has been able to confirm that the earthquake fault which lies under the Potomac Region of the United States will not be named The George Bush Fault.

Reporting live for the Cracker News Broadcasting Network the OTHER CNBC  from the quake zone Mike ” Shaky ” Walton

Flour to the Crackers !!! We SHALL bake !!!!

Now go spread your crumbs around Crackers !!